'4K and 800 is a big difference': Jealous brother erupts at parents for spending more money on their daughter's gifts

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Ben Weiss • Writer and Editor
Jan 5, 2023 4:30 PM EST

As it turns out, we're still experiencing the fallout from the Holidays. We're not talking about breaking New Year's resolutions or getting adjusted to returning to work, though. No, we're talking exclusively about family drama. Specifically, family drama as it relates to Holiday gifts.

 

In this thread, which was posted to Reddit's r/AmITheA**hole subreddit by u/JollyOldSaintNicki, a 22-year-old son living with his parents voiced his frustration after his older sister was gifted $4,000 following her recent purchase of a house. Meanwhile, the son's gifts amounted to $800. Sure, perhaps the parents could have been more careful with this and presented the $4K gift as a housewarming present rather than her Christmas gift, but is this a choosing beggar situation for the son? The gift disparity is certainly significant, but it's not like $800 is nothing…not to mention, this is a guy who has been living with his parents rent-free. Folks in the comments section seem pretty split on the issue. Keep scrolling below to see what they had to say. For more, take a look at this story about a crazy mother-in-law over the Christmas holiday.

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  • 01
    Font - FOOD STIMINLOV FIF saing "For Christmas, we gave her $4000. Our son we gave a few different gifts totaling somewhere around $800." 1400
    via Erica Marsland Huynh
  • 02
    Font - AITA for giving my daughter a "better" present than my son? Our son is 22 and our daughter is 26. She bought a house in July. We know that moving into a new home always comes with unexpected costs, right after you've probably depleted most of your funds. So, for Christmas we gave her $4000. Our son we gave a few different gifts totaling somewhere around $800.
    via u/JollyOldSaintNicki
  • 03
    Font - Our daughter had to work Christmas, but we did Christmas on the 26th and she stayed with us for the holidays from then until yesterday. Our son still lives with us, and today he told us both that he didn't want to say anything while his sister was here, but his feelings were hurt by the disparity in the value of the gifts. We explained that the gifts we got him were tailored to his interests, but his sister has just passed a big life milestone where money is more important to her right no
    via u/JollyOldSaintNicki
  • 04
    Font - My wife got really frustrated when he said that and asked why he would choose the least charitable interpretation of our actions. He said that's just how he felt and he couldn't control it. I said that we didn't give her money because we were more proud, but because we had experience being new homeowners and knowing that something always breaks in that first six months and it's always expensive. He said that was all fine and good, but it still hurt to get a worse present and feel like an
    via u/JollyOldSaintNicki
  • 05
    Font - My wife asked if he expected us to get him four thousand dollars worth of gifts. He said no, but he expected the gifts between him and his sister to be equal. My wife said that's the same thing, and my son said it isn't. He said we could have given her the monetary equivalent of what we gave him. I told him that it isn't really fair for him to decide how much we spend on someone else's gift. Furthermore, cash is less personal than gifts, so giving her a cash equivalent to what he got woul
    via u/JollyOldSaintNicki
  • 06
    Font - He said we weren't listening to him, just justifying. My wife said we didn't need to justify anything, and he was being entitled. At that point he said he didn't want to talk unless everyone was civil and he went to his room. He skipped lunch (breakfast for him) today, and when he left for work he didn't say goodbye even though I was right by the door.
    via u/JollyOldSaintNicki
  • 07
    Font - My wife is irritated, and my son is clearly resenting us. I can't really decide if we're in the wrong here. On the one hand, we should be able to give our money to whoever we want. On the other, I never want to hurt my son's feelings. Were we wrong?
    via u/JollyOldSaintNicki
  • 08
    Font - idprefernotto92 - 23 hr. ago • edited 16 hr. ago 22 & 3 More YTA for doing this at Xmas. I am the youngest of 4 siblings, my oldest sister is 10 years older than me, so we definitely reached milestones at different times. Things like wedding money, housewarming gifts/money, graduation gifts obviously came at different times for each of us and were not tied to group holidays like Xmas.
    via u/JollyOldSaintNicki
  • 09
    Font - You could have given your daughter an $800 check or gift for Xmas, and $3200 for closing on the house at a different time/setting. Then you could tell your son "we will be so excited to give you a gift of money to help out when you buy your first home!" Instead, now it is a very disproportional Xmas gift, which is sure to raise some jealousy.
    via u/JollyOldSaintNicki
  • 10
    Font - Edit: My judgement is very light and you seem like very generous parents who want to help both of your kids get ahead in life. I definitely don't think you "owe" your son more now than an explanation and an apology for timing and reaction to his concerns. In the future I would just keep shared gift opening times "in kind" for both kids, and stick to milestone gifts timed with the milestone.
    via u/JollyOldSaintNicki
  • 11
    Font - Edit: Also getting a lot of "rent free" comments about the son. From OPS comments it seems like the daughter lived at home until the house purchase to save up money, and they have no issues with the son living at home now and want the same opportunity for him, so I don't really see it as an applicable factor in the judgement. 29.6k Share
    via u/JollyOldSaintNicki
  • 12
    Font - lolbot101916- It's not even a small amount either, I mean 4K and 800 is a big difference. If you plan to give him 4K when he gets a house then maybe no biggie, also dunno why your wife is 23 hr. ago so irritated by him explaining the clear disparity. I'd expect my kid to be pissed if I made one a sandwich and not the other. 8.1k Share
    via u/JollyOldSaintNicki
  • 13
    Font - ndcollector 23 hr. ago. EDIT: After reading your responses, YTA. I have no issue with you giving your daughter money. - I have no issue with you giving her more money. Buying a house can suck, and things pop up that you never expect. And everything is expensive. But YTA for (1) framing it as a Christmas gift and not a housewarming gift and (2) the way you treated your son. He did it right he didn't attack - he just said these are my feelings.
    via u/JollyOldSaintNicki
  • 14
    Font - And your wife immediately started going on the offensive and belittling his feelings. Don't you want your son to feel comfortable coming to you with his problems? Discussing his feelings with you? Why would he feel comfortable speaking to either of you now? If he comes to you with a problem - are you going to help - or are you going to sit there while his mom calls him names? That's what makes you the asshole in my eyes. He handled it right. You guys didn't handle it correctly to begin wi
    via u/JollyOldSaintNicki
  • 15
    Font - INFO: Why did it have to be at Christmas time that you gave her money for possible repairs? Why not wait for X, Y, or Z to break down, and then cover the cost for her? What happens if she doesn't have $3,200 worth of repairs come up?
    via u/JollyOldSaintNicki
  • 16
    Font - strawberrylipsticks - 23 hr. ago 36 & 17 More 2 NTA. I feel like people on here hate 'favoritism' so much that they think you have to treat your kids equally every second of their lives. The fact is, when children are different ages/at different places in life, they'll be going through different milestones at different times. For example, if one of your children had gotten their license that year and you got them a car for Christmas, that doesn't mean you need to spend a car's worth of mo
    via u/JollyOldSaintNicki
  • 17
    Font - 86max86 23 hr. ago YTA - I typically don't have much sympathy for people complaining about gift disparities, but in this case, you should have given your daughter a housewarming gift of cash separate from the Christmas gifts. By lumping a large amount of cash into her Christmas gift, you invite unfavorable comparisons. 1.8k Share
    via u/JollyOldSaintNicki
  • 18
    Font - Budge1025 23 hr. ago I don't think either of you are TA, but I do think there's issues all around. I think the crux of the problem is that you chose to do this at Christmas. If you had waited a month and gifted your daughter the money as a housewarming gift then there wouldn't be a need for him to drawn a comparison. It would be assumed that when your son eventually got to that place in his life, you'd also return the gesture his way.
    via u/JollyOldSaintNicki
  • 19
    Font - As the youngest kid in my family who typically also feels like an afterthought -- this is usually not about the gift, this is probably deeper than this one moment, but he is choosing this moment where it's obvious to point it out to you. Perhaps let him open up a larger conversation about whether he feels this way more often than just right now. To be fair to you - your son is significantly younger and there's ample time for you to make the same gesture when he crosses this milestone, and
    via u/JollyOldSaintNicki
  • 20
    Font - DO NOT EVER POLOGIZE FOR THE MADNESS HICH MADE Y PorcupineTattoo · 23 hr. ago 2 S Seems to me part of what you gave your daughter was a housewarming gift, and why would he expect to receive that too? If she has a wedding, baby, etc, does he expect to receive the equivalent in those situations? Honestly, $800 is a lot of money for one person for Christmas, much less a grown-ass adult. I'd let him know when he hits similar milestones, you'll gift him similarly. Unless you show consistent fa
    via u/JollyOldSaintNicki
  • 21
    Font - PE happyhippietree. 23 hr. ago I know what others are going to say, but I'm going with NTA. My parents used to tell us all the time (especially at Christmas) that sometimes one child is more expensive then the other. I was always the more expensive child (ballet lessons, summer camp) year round but at Christmas I was happy getting less. When your son purchases a house, will you give him that same amount? Did you help your children out equally when they were in college? 629 Share
    via u/JollyOldSaintNicki
  • 22
    Font - Jolly OldSaint Nicki OP 23 hr. ago Neither of our children went to college. I can't imagine why we wouldn't give him the same amount if he bought a house, unless inflation gets even crazier and he'd need more to afford the same repairs. 876 Share LeyMarie1987 - 23 hr. ago This comment here makes you NTA 310 Share
    via u/JollyOldSaintNicki
  • 23
    Font - spookysanta33 23 hr. ago edited 3 hr. ago What is up with these Y TA comments? Are you guys teenagers? It's absolutely fair on how they divied this up. Your daughter is paying her own bills and moving into a house. Your son got 800 dollars worth of gifts, works, and lives at home for free. That 4000 dollars will absolutely go into that house, for something not as fun as the gifts he got I bet. Like a broken water heater, sh / electric, so on and so forth. Your son doesn't need that money
    via u/JollyOldSaintNicki
  • 24
    Font - Edit becasue comments are locked:. If the 22 years posted his pov, I'm willing to bet people would be calling him TA. The fact of the matter is he is a GROWN MAN. He is living rent free at his parents house. Fact of the matter is someone who just bought a house and paying their own bills, will probably need that 4000 dollars more, than someone who is living at home. Something will break, and the parents gave her a little best egg to help with those fixes.
    via u/JollyOldSaintNicki
  • 25
    Font - People are calling out the parents for not explaining that it's also a house warming gifts. But at 22 years old he should realize that she'll need that money. Let's say the be parents decided ok let me write you a check now to make it even. Do you think he'll regret that when he moves out to his own house and can't get that extra money then. Or if they gave it to him and said you have thirty days to be figure out a place to live. Becasue the ONLY way it would be considered not equal is if
    via u/JollyOldSaintNicki

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FAILS aita gifts presents siblings reddit thread Reddit holidays
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